Tuesday 26 March 2013

Why is this marriage still on?

Rajesh is not in talking terms with me since an year. It started with Rajesh joining a leading club as a part of availing his company facilities. I liked to visit the club with him for an evening, enjoy facilities, make friends have dinner and come back. I noticed him spending his evenings and weekends too there. I was feeling that he is ignoring me. I had an exchange with him about the same.

I said 'Tum tumhara pura time udhar nahi bita sakte. Ghar ake ghar ko bhe dekhna chahiye'
Rajesh 'Ghar ko bhe dekhta hu. Mujhe bhe apne liye samay chahiye.'
I said ' Apne liye ya mujhse door rahne ke liye'
Rajesh 'Jo bhi samazna hi samjho'

That was the last exchange we had.  He stopped talking to me afterwards. He looked at a wall and asked for his needs. He slowly started taking care of his needs and with that the little impersonal talk also ended. He stopped looking at me. He refuses to acknowledge my presence. I have realised that I have become an object in this house.

I am slipping into memories from the past.  Early days of marriage. Rajesh used to return from office. He eyes used to look for me as soon as he was back.  If I was not present in the hall on some pretext he used to be in kitchen to grab a glance at me. The presence of other members was not a hindrance to him. Sasuma never liked us being together. Her eyes and ears were always looking out for us and her dislike was felt by us. Rajesh is attcahed to his mother but he liked our togetherness and ignored mother's overbearing attitude.  As time passed and wegot used to being together. He started taking me for granted. His love has faded into background and We have slipped into being Husband and Wife.

I started working as every one around was working and it was supplementing Rajesh's income.  I also liked being independent earner and started having  office circle around me. Slowly I realised that all the financial decisions were taken by Sasuma and the exepenses to be paid by me are alotted.  I slowly realised that I was a part of relationship arrangement and I was present to take responsibilities without any voice.  Even when I had some opinion and expressed it, Sasuma had a readymade  answer to rubbish it. Rajesh sometimes used to support my idea but he never carried any weight in the house.

I was part of household activities like cooking and all domestics chore. Sasuma was always tired and exhausted and expected me to carryout all activities. Rajesh used to help me in the morning so that I could cook and leave for office intime. He has sympathy for Sasuma and  he liked to help me as a way of taking care of his mother. As time passed his appearance in kitchen became rare. I became efficient in  the chore and I was able to do all on my own.

Reshma's birth had brought cahnge in my life. I liked the little one and loved to be take care of her. As I resumed my service, my avalability to spend time with her reduced.  I was left with doing essential things only for her and a maid took care of her needs. Reshme had started bonding with Sasuma. I was happy that Sasuma loves her. Reshma's name was selected by Sasuma and slowly her dresses and every decision about her was by sasuma. I  realised I am present to play the role and my dauhter was no more a daughter but a grand daughter.

Rajesh used to take care of me during illness. He was always there to take me doctor , get medicines  and nurse me. Sometimes I wished that I was sick so that Rajesh was with me and I was cared. As soon as I used to get normal Rajesh used to become more of a son and less of a husband. Even when he felt my point of view was correct he never had a urge to express it and take a stand.

I was in our bedroom with Rajesh. Rajesh wanted me to stich a button. I asked him to keep a watch on Reshma and started looking for a needle and thread. Rajesh was reading paper. Suddenly I heard  screem and Sasuma was in and said

'Bachi ko dekte ho ki nai. Wo puja ke puja mandir ko kharab kar diya'

I couldn't reply but neither Rajesh was opening his mouth.

Sasuma 'Tumhara kam mujhe bar bar kyo batana padta hai'.

Rajesh was healthy always in general. But when he was sick he behaved like ladla. A simple fever or a severe stomach upset made him behave like a child. I felt taht I have two children to attend. He had his nackras. Everything had to be handd over to be served in bed. He used to call his sister collegues and narrate his sickness. By the time he was ok, I was exhausted. I enjoyed staying close to him during his sickness despite my extra load.

Rajesh was earning reasonably well  but his salary was always spent in household expenses and my salary iin additional expenses which never gave any breather space.The joint family and Rajesh's role as a son has always left us in a hand to mouth situation. Some times I used to wonder where we were heading.

Sasuma's demands on me were never ending. Any amount of obdience and respecting her was of a futile effort. Her nags were on and on starting up gettiong up, cleanliness, way of dressing, kids and no other. As time passed Rajesh  got into mode of demanding and nagging with least amount of empathy. I wondered that how can marriage transform me from a doting daughter to the job of  slave like worker.

The birth of Vijay has not vhanged the scene much.  I was getting tied up more with kitchen and looking after core of children and snatched all the time from me. I was spending less and less time with them and they started  decoming independent and attached to Sasuma and Sasurji. Increasingly I have lost respect from from Rajesh and children too.

The lack of respect and concerm for me made me aloof  interrnally.  I became a person irritated and helpless. The system of mariage has become a burden on me and a bottom less pit. Respect , honour, love , concern made me disillusioned and pushed me to be a introvert. Our marriage had started drifting towards  a stae of indiffernce and slowly Rajesh had started hating everything about me leading to point of no return with breakdown in communication. A marriage deviod of  love, commitment,mutual respect and support can't be a marriage. It is trap for me to go nowhere. I wonder

'Why is this marriage still on?'





















Tuesday 12 March 2013

Delhi Girl's Prayer

Ayi girinandini nanditamedini visvavinodini nandinute |
Girivaravindhya shirodhinivasini vishnuvilasini jisnunute |
Ma Durge give me strength to fight the paternal system and Medical System in the womb
Give me strength to survive the poor Medical System  and Weak health of the my mother,  for me to see light
Bhagavati he shitikanthakutumbini bhoorikutumbini bhoorikrute |
Jaya jaya he mahishasuramardhini ramyakapardini shailasute ||
Bestow powerful and iron will to my mother to steadfastly fight to evil astrologers stopping her from conceiving me
Send all the Shaktis to protect me from Ultrasound test killers and medical vultures who terminate me
Suravaravarshini durdharadharshini durmukhamarshini harsharate |
Tribhuvanaposhini sha.nkaratoshini kilbishamoshini ghosharate |
Danujaniroshini ditisutaroshini durmadashoshini sindhusute |
Jaya jaya he ... ||
Protect my mother from being abandoned by my father for giving birth to a girl child
Become a Kali, Chandi, Mahisuramardhini to take care of abandoned mothers jaya  jaye he |
Ayi jagadamba madamba kadambavanapriyavasini hasarate |
Shikharishiromani tungahimalaya shringanijalaya madhyagate |
Madhumadhure madhukaitabhaganjini kaitabhabhanjini rasarate |
Jaya jaya he ...||

Jagadamba see that there is no discrimination when raising a boy or a girl
Give my parents the wisdom that a daughter is your anch and she is your pratiroop
  Ayi shatakhanda vikhanditarunda vitunditashunda gajadhipate |
Ripugajaganda vidaranachanda parakramashunda mrigadhipate |
Nijabhujadanda nipatitakhanda vipatitamunda bhatadhipate |
Jaya jaya he ... ||
Nijabhujadanda Protect me from being abducted and trafficked when am a child or young
Parakramashunda  shield me from abuse when I am a child or an adolescent
Ayi ranadurmadashatruvadhodita durdharanirjara shaktibhrute |
Chaturavicharadhurinamahasiva dutakrita pramathadhipate |
Duritadurihadurashayadurmati danavaduta krutantamate |
Jaya jaya he ... ||
Give me wisdom to see through men and who lure me in the name of love only to deceive me and later abandon me
Make me an oasis of knowledge and a source of courage to chart my own destiny| Jaya Jaya he
Ayi sharanagata vairivadhuvara viravarabhayadayakare |
Tribhuvanamastaka shulavirodhishirodhikritamala shulakare |
Dumidumitamara dundubhinada mahomukharikrita tigmakare |
Jaya jaya he ... ||
Tribhuvanamastaka , let men not get lost in being boozers and party dancers
Shaktibhrute, let them realize they are born soldiers to fight  a bigger cause
Never there be a situation a woman is dishonored and overpowered for lack a fighting soldier
Jaya jaya he dundubhinada Let every soldier stand up for the cause he is a born
Give me abundant courage to stand up  for myself and other women
Jaya Jaya he Tribhuvana bhooshana bhootakalanidhi give me shakti and success
Ayi mayi dinadayalutaya krupayaiva tvaya bhavitavyamume |
Ayi jagato janani krupayasi yathasi tathanumitasitare |
Yaduchitamatra bhavatyurarikrutadurutapa mapakrurute |
Jaya jaya he ... ||


......

Friday 8 March 2013

State Vs Delhi Girl

I heard the terrible story on the TV. I am shocked to know the brutality committed by  devils and the inability or lack of will of the police in preventing the crime. How can the system become dysfunctional and abdicate its responsibility? I have to do something about it as it can happen to me too.  I want to go to India gate and protest. I am little worried to go to India Gate in the light of police being around. Anyhow, police at the venue is not worrying me as routine life is no different compared to protest venue.
I have spoken to Poonam and Swati about joining the protest.   I know Swati and she has not received the idea well.  She is too scared to be part of the protest. If we don’t protest then we will remain victims. Poonam is ready to join despite her worries as she is moved by the episode.  She burst into tears while talking about the incident.  She said, ‘I feel as if it happened to me. How can six people rape a girl, beat her up and pull her intestines out? Are they humans or beasts? Main toh aungi, kuch bhi hone do’.
I agreed with her and said, ‘ Kal  subah sath me jayange bus pakadke’. I won't tell anyone at home as they will not approve the idea.
I got out of the house at 9 in the morning and am happy to see Poonam at the bus stop. She is carrying a bag along with her purse.  I asked
‘ Kya Hai isme’
Poonam  said,  ‘Chart paper,  poster banane ke liye. Kuch be ho, Ham ko aaj jana hi hai’
 We are able to get a bus and have reached India Gate. I see lot of police, Media with anchors. People are collecting around. Poonam took out her chart and cut it into two. It is of cream colour and poonam is making two posters. She wrote in Red
MY BODY MY RIGHT, MY CITY MY RIGHT
. She took out two sticks and made placards. Poonam likes making placards and decorations which happen in college and birthdays. This skill is helping us here. We took a placard each and started moving towards the gathering. People are trickling down.  Young boys and girls are sad and angry. Slogans are in the air
‘We want Justice’
‘Hang the Rapists’
‘Police down down’
TV anchors with their Camera crew are interviewing the protesters and comparing the interviews. Some boys and girls are not able to speak but I am seeing anger in their voices. They are telling problems they face… Brutality of men of all ages..  Lecherous …   Vulgar comments   ...  Their guts and their impunity towards law.  This is a common thing and it is only being narrated now.
Within a hour a large crowd is around.  Boys and girls are moving towards Raisina hills. I and Poonam have joined the crowd.  Their anger and frustration is showing in the pitch and with time. Now they are full throated.  
I am seeing barricades on the way to Raisina Hills. Police troops are guarding the barricades. We reached the barricade and the number of protestors is increasing. Another bout of slogans is up in the air.  Some of the protestors tried to break the barricades. The police stopped them.  Few police move forward and lathi charged the protestors to hold them.. In the process, the whole group of protestors is disturbed. Some girls and boys are in pain.  Then another bout of sloganeering is in the air. It is not full throated but determined.  I noticed that Poonam is not with me after the commotion. I am not comfortable and this feeling is a regular thing in Delhi. I looked around. Most of the protestors are present to vent their anger.  I have noticed a northeast girl next to me. She is frail but very attractive. She covered her head with a white stole.  As I am observing her, she noticed and smiled at me.
I enquire, ‘Assamese?’
She Smiles and says, ‘ Manipuri’. She is also alone and must have lost track of her friends in the commotion.  Before We could converse the sloganeering has picked up Pace. We join the chorus.
‘We want justice’
‘Hang Rapists’
‘Sack inefficient police’
Manipuri girl looked at my placard. She took it in her hand, read it and lifted it and started a new slogan
‘My body my right My city my right’
The dyeing sloganeering picked up again. Everybody is at their feverish pitch with the slogan. As I am shouting slogans, I see two water cannons at the back of barricades.  I hear police announcing through their public address system
‘Section 144 is imposed for the security of Raisini Hills. Assembly of four or more people is illegal. Police warn public that they are a security threat to the system. All relevant sections of IPC will be applied to maintain law and order. Any violation will be dealt severely by the police with all its might. We order the public to dismiss immediately’
I was shocked to hear the announcement. The police is not doing their duty of ensuring the safety of Delhi girl and finds Delhi girl is a threat to the system.  The angered protestors have retorted by
‘My body my right My city my right’

I notice that barricades move apart, make way for water cannons. Cannon move closer to protestors. Water cannons target  protestors on our side. I see girls and boys showing their backs and taking the jets on their back with biting pain. The flow jet is moving towards us. I and Manipuri girl move forward and duck, avoid water jet.  In next few minutes, water cannons  caned the protestors and  went back after emptying water. Police is firing tear gas shells. Some are at a few feet away release gas . I cover my face and nose with my stole. Manipuri girl next to me also covers her face. I saw a policeman coming towards us with a lathi.  He swings his lathi at Manipuri girl. Lathi hits placard and placard is on the road. I notice Rajesh bhayya running towards us.  I came between policeman and Manipuri girl and yell at him, ‘kyo marte ho ?’. Police is wild at me. He caned me on right hand,  left hand and a hard one on my head. I am in deep pain. Whole place is whirl ling. I am collapsing on the ground. Manipuri girl is holding me. Policeman is hitting me again. He notices Rajesh Bhayya and swings  lathi. Bhayya escapes one, but takes hit on his left leg. Policeman notices a TV crew shooting us. He charges towards them hits the camera and Crew run away from the spot. Bhayya comes to me holds me and drags me to a side  and takes me behind  tall plants on the side. My stole is missing in the jhamela. Manipuri girl pulls out her stole and ties my head. I am bleeging from head. We are near a police control vehicle   but not visible.  I hear meaasges
‘ Second round of water cannons in operation, lathi charge under progress’
‘ Raisina hills here . How many rounds needed? You have to control the situation. Clear TV Channel  crew. Over’
‘Three more rounds needed. Send three water cannons and six vans of police. Things will be controlled. over’
‘Raisina Hills.  Necessary resources will be sent. Bring control. Make the place safe and secure’
 Bhayya, ‘I will find a way to move away from here’ He requests Manipuri girl to take care of me and moves away.
 I am weak and lying down. She is next to me. I wonder how Raisini hills will be secure without Delhi girl being safe.  If Delhi girl is not safe no power will be safe. You find Delhi girl everywhere in Delhi. You will find her in every nook and corner of the country. It is her right to be secure and safe. This is truth. Canes or cannons can’t silence her.  When will powers realize this truth?  She makes powers to come to her feet. This sloganeering is  Krishna’s Panchajanyam,  Mahadev’s Damru,  Kali’s  Dance of death.  Poonam’s slogan ‘ MY BODY My RIGHT MY CITY MY RIGHT’ is
Tilak’s ‘Independence is my birthright’
Subhash’s ‘ Lal Killa is ours’
Bhagat Singh’s ‘ Inquilaab Zindabad’
Sri Sri’s ‘ Maro prapamcham’ ( Dawn of new era)
Raisina Hills has to rebuild itself to deliver to Delhi girl’s demand. This is our Magnum Carta. This republic can’t exist without our security.  Manipuri girl has removed the stole tied to my head as it is soaked in my blood. She throws it off way.   A policeman notices blood soaked Red stole and starts moving towards us with a lathi. Bhayya is back. He found a way to move out. Bhayya and Manipuri girl carry me away before policeman steps in.  I see 3 water cannons 6 vans of police taking positions moving forward targeting Delhi Girl. I look at Raisini Hill in the backdrop of sunset.  As I slip into unconsciousness, I see a new era dawning for Delhi girl. Truth shall not just prevail but shall Triumph.